Memoirs of A Villain: Thel Vadam; The Arbiter!

I’ve lived the life on both sides of the coin. Being a villain or a hero brings different challenges as you are faced with tough decisions ahead. But I am not here to speak on my conversion to the side of heroes. I am here to recount my transgressions, both good and bad as The Arbiter and head of the Covenant Armies.


My name is Thel Vadam and I am a disgraced commander given a second chance to honor and spearhead the survival of my Sanghelli species. The Sanghelli are fierce warriors and we will stop at nothing to make sure that our race is protected and respected. I was approached by the Council to become the new Arbiter in their campaign to stop humans from looking to render my kind extinct. I accepted this high honor and swore to protect the High Prophets with my life.


During my work with the Prophets, I’ve made sure to eliminate all obstacles in our way. Humankind is not our friend and bloodshed is the only way to get results and ensure the survival of my people. My weapon of choice is an energy sword that can rip through its opponent with lightning speed.  THEL-VADAM While the cowardice of the humans’ soldiers uses guns to eliminate their targets from a distance, we Sanghelli fight with honor in close combat. halo

When I train for battle, I use my length and agility to attack with swift and precise blows. I am an ace shot with the Covenant Plasma Rifle and I have one conveniently strapped to my leg. I hit a combo strike with the Energy Sword and dodge behind my target while reaching for my Plasma rifle and taking the shot straight to the head. I’ve worked hard to increase my combat skills and I will work even harder in every task.


My next challenge is a Baddie Bake-off with one of the more devious humans who goes by the name Xehanort. Master_Xehanort This challenge was issued by a mortal from Adventure Rules. I’ve heard of this competition before where challengers are competing in tasks to find out who reigns supreme. I’d almost dismissed this silly invitation until my competitive edge kicked in. Humanity will soon be destroyed, but why not humiliate them in the Bake Off challenge. My planet has the finest cuisines that only a refined pallet can comprehend.


I’m bringing the heat from the Flood, the taste of the Sanghelli and the brains to win this Baddie Bake-Off. The challenge is a week away and I am already compiling recipes that will tantalize and show the superiority of the Sanghelli. I’ve had the honor of baking pastries for the High Prophets and they were well received. I will show the strength of the Sanghelli next week, August 6th and take yet another triumph over Humans… before they are enslaved!


-Thel Vadam

The Arbiter!


Memoirs Of A Villain: Team Rocket!

“To protect the World from devastation,”

“To Unite all people within our nation,”

“To denounce the evils of truth and love,”

“To extend our reach to the stars above,”



“Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light,”

“Surrender Now or prepare to fight,”

“Meowth That’s Right!”


“Actually, that’s wrong! For years we have been persecuted and tried!”

“For working and providing for our families and lives!”

“We’ve traveled the world but our story is still untold”

“Giovanni makes it hard to break from his mold”



“Team Rocket’s Memoirs are finally coming out!”

“Sit back, relax and get those check books out!”

“Meowth, $25.99 is the amount!”  Meowth


Jesse: “Where to begin? Oh I know, from the beginning. I was a child star, Little Miss Gorgeous and my mother always dressed me in the best costumes for the Pageant.”


Meowth: “Ah, that explains our clever disguises. Jesse is Master of Disguise and Beauty!”


James: “Jesse, I didn’t know that you were a pageant queen.”


Jesse: “Yes, I was on top of my regional circuit until….”


*James and Meowth snack on popcorn*


Jesse: (In melody) “I once was a beauty queen, with the best hair and skin ever seen, the last time I accepted the crown…. WAS WHEN SOCIETY LET ME DOWN!”


James: “Meowth stop chewing with your mouth open, it’s getting good and I can’t hear.”


Jesse: “ No one paid attention to me, when I was giving my acceptance speech, everyone was to preoccupied, with the Eevee that wandered inside, she’s so cute, she’s so soft, the idiots said, the presenter didn’t even put the CROWN ON MY HEAD!!!!!”


James: Disgusting!


Meowth: Yeah, truly despicable!

Jesse: “Alas, the light! I saw a job posting while walking in the rain, Giovanni is looking for recruits, I finally see what I can do to feel strong, and I joined the Team Rocket Crew!”


James and Meowth: “Whoop, Whoop, Go Team Rocket!”


Jesse: “Pokemon are disgusting things and now we’ll find them a home, Giovanni’s making all types of bread and we get paid to steal em, bag em and ship them off!”


Meowth: “That didn’t rhyme.”


Jesse: Shut Up! What’s your story James!


James: My Name is James and I…”


Meowth: “Wait! We already covered this before!”


Jesse and James: “We Have?”


Meowth: Yes! Remember that crazy Jessibelle that kept chasing James around when we found out he was loaded? jessiebelle


Jesse: Oh yeah! The “Holy Matrimony” episode.


James: With that method, that means we have heard your story before too Meowth! How you were abandoned and learned to speak English.


Meowth: Yea! So Jesse is the only one without an origins story.


Jesse: It’s because the world is ugly and cruel. No one appreciates a raw gem of beauty anymore.


James & Meowth: We appreciate you Jesse!


Meowth: You see, we’re not villains just victims of circumstance. We have to make a living, so we’re forced into the position of kidnapping Pokemon.


James: But that’s where you all can help!


Jesse: You can help us leave this life of crime and fulfill our dreams. You can restore my hope in humanity.


Meowth: All you have to do is purchase our Memoirs and we can collect enough money to go straight!

Jesse: Send your payments to 123 Villains St in Johto and make the checks payable to Team Rocket.


James: We humbly thank you for helping us!


Meowth: Oh yeah, it may take 2- 1 million business days for you to receive your copy of our book. All payments are final! Team Rocket is not responsible for lost, stolen or never sent books. There is a predetermined amount of money needed for us to go straight which can change at any time.


Team Rocket’s Blasting Off Againnnnnnn!


Memoirs of A Villain: Billy The Puppet (Jigsaw)

“Welcome readers! Do you want to play a game? The premise of the game is simple, try and piece together why I started finding players for my “Jigsaw” puzzles, by reading this memoir. Win and you get to survive. Fail and let’s just say that you are the next contestant for my madhouse. Ready?

When I was just a stump, I had a great life in the Isylum Amateur Mountain forest. It was a great living, watching the daredevils take life by the hand and dive off of the mountain with no care in the world. I’ve overheard many talking about how they are losing the high adrenaline thrills that they first had when looking death straight in the face. That’s when I knew that they wanted to be challenged, they wanted the fear, they needed it.

One day a different type of person came to the mountain. He was timid and  trying to talk himself into diving off the cliff, so I helped him. I revealed my voice and spoke confidence into this weary soul. After his dive, he thanked my by chopping me down and giving me a body. He took care to polish and mold me. As he worked on my body, we talked about how fulfilling live felt after he tested death. How being a strong person and Conquering his fears made hime a better person. Then Jigsaw and I concoted a plan, to make the world a better place. We would make people Realize how precious life really is!

Ashley Burke will be my first love for as long as I can remember. Jigsaw and I found her at a bar one night. I can still remember the first time I set eyes on her. She was hustling a gentleman at the bar, asking for a cigar and another round. She was a mess. I was sitting on the edge of the table staring at this beautiful creature plummeting into the depths. Her hair was brown and she had it swept to the side in one long french braid. Her skin was pale and caked with power and blush. Sad. She reminded me of the dolls in the shop down the steet. The porcelain objects that pouted at you and looked happy, but behind their eyes you could see a hollow grave. Ashley was withering away.

After whispering into Jigsaw’s ear what I’d observed that night, we both agreed to help Ashley. We followed her around 3:20am as she stumbled out of the bar. Ashley did not have a car, she walked 3 blocks over and stopped at a Pizzeria to eat. The way she stuffed the ZigZag calzone in her mouht, further solidified that we needed to help her. Afer wiping her mouth she paid the clerk and sarted walking again. We were in pursuit of her until she turned down the dark alley on Main St.  this was ou moment to help Ashley.

Jigsaw left me in the car and I’m not sure what happened, but Ashley was ours. We ook her home and prepared a room for her. I whispered to Jigsaw that I wanted to meet her, talk to her once she regained consciouness. After much persuasion, he finally set me in the room on a tricycle.  billy   Ashley woke up and I talked to her about life, but she paniced and tried to escape. We had to chain her up. And then the most wonderful idea popped into my mind. I wanted her to truly value life, so I asked her: “Ashley, Do you want to play a game?” At first she didn’t understand, she screamed and kicked me off of my bike. When igsaw brough in the a hand saw and picked me up, Ashley started understanding. Jigsaw left the door open and set up a camera so that we could watch her. We left. She went 3 Days without eating

She went 3 Days without eating and drinking and finally decided to get out. Ashley sturggled but her thinned wrists were finally able to stretch enough to pull the saw towrds her. With the tears in her eyes, I’m assuming from joy, Ashley starting cutting hrough her skin to release herself from the chain.  She cried and muttered words that I couldn’t undertsand. All I remmeber is hearing her saying thank you and looking towards the camera. She dragged herself out of the room.

Fast forward 2 weeks later Jigsaw and I tracked down Ashley. She was sober, dressed in a fancy suit and well groomed. We followed her all day to see her going to a job inside of the First National Bank. She picked up her child from daycare…who knew and took her to the park. She returned home and cooked dinner for her family and husband. She must have felt the connection to me because she rubbed her wrist and turned towards the window. But we were gone. All that was left was a bouquet of Yellow roses, and a note wit a single word on it… “You’re Free.”

Did you decipher the clues? Do you know why I really started helpng people? If you do, please respond in the comments. Remember, I’m always watching.

-Billy the Puppet!


Memoirs of A Villain: Cruella Deville!

“Simon Darling! How is my favorite typewriter doing?”

“The term is Copy Writer Cruella. What can I do for you today?” Simon says.

“Well I’ve just got a fantastic idea dear. To help launch my new line of furs, I want to write a memoir of my rise to fame.”

“You mean you want me to.”

“Of course! Ha! Could you imagine, me writing something for myself. That’s what I pay you for. Now get to joting down my thoughts.”

“Yes ma’am”

They call me Cruella Deville, the puppy napper. The world doesn’t understand greatness in it’s prime, not until they have died do people really apreciate their art, their eye for talent and fashion.

“Are you really comparing yourself to world reknowned artists?”

“I’m sorry do I pay you for your opinion? Oh ok, I thought not. Keep writing Simon.” Now where was I? Oh yeah, no one knows the true motives behind my acts and why the luxurious dog furs are the only pieces of clothing that I can wear. Let’s start from the beginning. As a girl, I was held hostage by family that was supposed to love and care for me. They kept me locked up and guarded with huge dogs. One day I tried to go downstairs for a drink and I was cornered by the beasts spilling my juice n the floor. I grabbed the towel in the kitchen and wiped the splatter from my neck and hands. As an innocent child, I tried to pet the pooches to calm them down and then it happened! “

“Oh my gosh, were you attacked Cruella? Is that why you’re crazy?”

“Silence you idiot and keep typing! I wasn’t attacked, something more disgusting happened. I couldn’t breathe! My throat closed up and as I was gasping for air my skin burned. It had to have been about 3 minutes before I blacked out and…”

“You’re allergic? That’s what you’re going with?” Simon smirks.


My temper needs to be tamed because I threw the chair that was next to me across the room.  “Will you stop interrupting and just listen!”

“Alright, alright. Calm down Cruella sheesh. You’re going to have a stroke one of these days.”

My patience is fleeting. The jitters from my hand drops my pack of cigarettes to the floor. Simon reaches over and hands me one of his and we both fill the room with clouds. 3 puffs and the jitters stop, the headache receeds and I’m back to the cool, fashionista that’s in high demand. I can’t let people see me like this, i’d be ruined.

“Shall we continue?” Simon asks.

I nod. “So something vile happened, I found out that I was having an allergic reaction to cotton. I’ve always been rather itchy, but this was a new low. When I awoke, the only thing that could soothe my rash was the hairs of fur left on the floor by the dogs. The epiphany occured and I knew that dog hair was where it was at. Fast forward 10 years, I started to make clothing out of the dog hair because my allergy to cotton became worse.

People started complimenting my designs and eventually started requesting for me to make pieces. I couldn’t suffice with the leftover hair on the floor so one day, I shaved one of the dogs! It was like the birth of a genius, it just felt so right!  My empire was born that day! I became a multimillionaire by selling the thing that saved my life. Dog hair!”

“So you’re just helping out the fashion world, huh?”

“Of course! I’m a regular guru, a trend setter, a business mogul that took a weakness and transformed it into strength!”

“Brillaint! I mean you’re delusional, but you have to admire your confidence.”

“Anyway Simon, the moral of the story is that you can’t let anything stop you from being great! Any obstacle can turn into your claim to fame!”

“So you’re not bothered by the fact that you abduct puppies?”


My anger is to an all time high. The last thing I remember is stepping over Simon to grab the typed up page from his typewriter. “Ughh it’ll due I guess.” I grab the hankerchief out of Simon’s lapel and wipe the debris from the page. Wlaking out of the room I smile at the start of my lie’s work.

“All I need now is another typewriter.” Flicking the remains of my cigarette on Simons body I hum my theme song and chuckle down the hall. ”





Memoirs of A Villain: Louise Belcher!

Listen, I’m not a villain but I do have quite an impressive history of mischief! louise3  Before you pass any judgement, “Just remember that we are going to come out of this deal stinking rich!” The memoir deal that is!

Have you seen all of the crap that’s being marketed as “New York Times Bestsellers?” Most of the books on that list are self help mambo jumbo that even I could write up! So I will!

I’m a simple Belcher. My family owns a restaurant and are always coming across trouble or precarious situations. Who would think that this amount of excitement would be available at a burger joint? I’m an entrepreneur, I try and get in on the ground floor of every get rich quick scheme and after reading the memoirs of 2 famous villains; The Joker and Sesshomaru, I know it’s my turn to shine!

Let’s start from the beginning. Tina was crying over the latest fight between our father and her crush’s father, Jimmy Pesto! Jimmy runs the Italian place directly across the street form us and he has been terrorizing my father for as long as I can remember. Our place may not be the fanciest, but the food outweighs Pesto’s by a ton. This time, he went too far and banned Jimmy Jr, Ollie and Andy from talking to use Belchers. Tina was devastated and I’d had enough. It’s time to protect the family.

I’ve devised a few plans to stick it to Jimmy one and for all.

Plan #1 – I feed my brother Gene buckets of chili and send him over into Jimmy Pesto’s restroom. Unknowingly, I’ve placed cherry bombs in Gene’s back pocket. He’s sure to drop a few in the toilet as he relieves himself and then KABOOM! Gene cause a minor explosion while he is pooping and the smell causes everyone to evacuate the restaurant!

Nope, can’t do that Louise. Gene will be left behind and Jimmy will somehow blame dad.

Plan #2 – I get Andy and Ollie to let me into their father’s kitchen by telling them that we’re going to play a game of hide n seek.  louise2  I volunteer to be “IT” and let the twins go off and hide away from the crime scene. Then I find Jimmy’s special marinara sauce and stir in a very special ingredient that Zeke secured for me. He beat up the science club and made them concoct a tasteless liquid that causes diarrhea. One taste of this stuff and the entire restaurant will be sick! Those who didn’t have the marinara will be sick watching others throw up and poop their pants. It’s full proof.

“Hey Louise, Rudy is here” – Tina interrupts bursting into my room.

“Hi Louise!” Rudy waves with his free arm.

“Ughhh I’m trying to make us millions here guys. What is it?” I answer slamming my pen on the desk.

“Well I wanted to show you my new Roach Farm.” Rudy says. He walks over to the desk and places a container down.

“I want to see, I want to see” Gene screams running into the room.

We all gather around as Rudy takes off the sheet covering his new friends. In aw we all marvel at the roaches walking around.

“Aw, Rudy they look sad.” Tina says

“Yea, can’t you let them loose so that they can breathe?” Gene agrees.

I smile am evil grin as the belcher children and Rudy continue to play with the roaches. Clasping my hands I let out a maniacal laugh. “This is perfect! Bwahahahaha, bwahahaha.” louise1

Tina Joins in “Aha, aha hahaha” followed by Rudy “Hahahaha.”

“I want to feel included” Gene yells “ahahahahhaha.”

The next day…

We’re sitting in the restaurant and Tina is telling us for the Gazillioneth  time that she wants to run away if she can’t be with Jimmy Jr. Dad is trying to calm her down and mom is singing her a lullaby to ease her mind. Just then we hear screams from across the street. The family runs to window to see all of Jimmy Pesto’s customers running into the streets with little critters following them.

“Omg Lyn, do you see this?” Dad says.

“Let me see, let me see. Oh My Gosh, Bobby!” Mom replies.

“What’s going on dad?” Gene and Tina ask.

“It’s the best day of our lives kids. Jimmy Pesto’s has been infested with roaches and now everyone will know!” Dad yells.

It’s the first time I think I’ve ever seen my dad cry. Tears of joy roll down his face as the Health Department and the News crews pulled up in front of Jimmy’s. Everyone rushes outside to watch the descent of Father’s enemy, except me. I stand with my arms crossed and the smile of satisfaction on my face.

See, I’m not a villain, I am a simple daughter trying to save her family from ruin. I am Louise Belcher!


Memoirs of a Villain: Sesshomaru!

The heir to the kingdom of the great dog demon shouldn’t have to put up with a bastard brother in the middle of another scandal. Why must Inuyasha insist on getting involved with these human girls? You would think he would have more respect for our father.



“Yes, Lord Sesshomaru?”

“If I am to be the ruler of the Feudal Era and the world, I will need to start chronicling my ascent to power now. ”

“Of course my lord. Let me get a piece of paper.”

Inutaishou was the greatest and most powerful demon in his time. My father, a pinnacle of excellence and power had 1 flaw; his weakness for humans.”

“Wait, am I supposed to be writing this?” Jakken says. Scrambling for his pen he begins to write what he can remember frantically.

“I, his eldest son and the true born heir to the throne will stop at nothing to take my place as ruler of this world. I will never be as careless as my father and love a human.”

“Stop it Rin!” Jakken screams. Rin is trying to draw on the paper that Jakken is using to write down his master’s words. Just then, Sesshomaru stops and stares at the little girl causing a ruckus. tumblr_oempho8nyF1vhgd6qo1_500


“Lord Sesshomaru?” Jakken questions. But his words have stopped and the blank stare of kindness starts to seep in.

“Yes. The Tetsusaiga is the most powerful weapon and the birthright that I should inherit. Yet, my father decides to give me one last test and not grant it to me right away. I must show my dominance and take the sword from Inuyasha.”

“Oh I get it now, you’re going to explain how you have overcome the hardest test ever and prove that you are the greatest demon of all time, even surpassing your father, right?”

“Quiet Jakken and keep writing.”

“Inuyasha has once again shown why he cannot be a ruler. A great ruler would never let his opponents know his weaknesses. Everyone, even the idiot Naraku knew that Inuyasha would do anything for the human girl, Kagome. I didn’t have to do much to convince him to give up the only thing more powerful than I.

My brother and his band of misfit human companions were traveling through Mt Hakurei to avoid any demons lurking about. The purity of the mountain prevents demons from venturing too far, any weak demons that is. I was able to pass through with no problem. Unaware that I was in pursuit, that naive Inuyasha let his guard down and I was able to snatch his precious jewel; Kagome. As expected, there was little resistance once I threatened her life and he easily handed over the 1 thing that could challenge my power, the Tetsusaiga. My reign has officially begun and I have fulfilled the wishes of my father. Our legacy will persevere. ”

“All Hail Lord Sesshomaru!” Jakken yells as he jumps out of seat. I cut him a deadly glare and he stops, seemingly in the air.

“Silence, you fool! We do not gloat about our power. We show strength through domination and poise. You’d do well to learn that!”

Floating around the table that Jakken is writing on I stop and notice the Tetsusaiga displayed on the wall. My greatest accomplishment, no one can rival me now.

“What’s this?” A tug at my leg interrupts my thoughts.

“Lord Sesshomaru?” A little fairy like voice calls.

“Yes, Rin?”

“I was wondering when you were going to give Inuyasha back his toy?”

What is she talking about? “What toy?” She points to the sword hanging on the wall.

“That is no toy. That is the my brother’s downfall.” I snap. Rin lowers her head and starts twiddling her thumbs. I know this behavior, she wants something.

“What is it?” I ask.

” I was just wondering if you could give it back to him. He needs it more than you because he’s nowhere near as powerful as you are, even WITH his toy.”

“Silence girl. He knows this! The sword is not a toy it is a trophy of his greatest achievement!” Jakken yells. “Lord, I don’t know why you keep this wretched girl around.”

“I don’t know why I keep you around Jakken!”

“Wh-What? Sire I’m sorry I just think…”

“You don’t think Jakken! If you did, you would have picked up on what Rin has brought to my attention. I don’t NEED the Tetsusaiga. if anything, taken it has made me seem afraid of fearful of Inuyasha. You have made me look like a fool, Jakken.” I pat Rin on the top head. “Good job.”

Throwing the Tesusaiga to Jakken I call Rin to my side. “Let’s go have dinner… Jakken, make sure that sword returns to my brother.” Jakken stops n his tracks. “Then you can have dinner.”

I walk out of the room with Rin who has managed to grab my hand as we walk. What good is a King, without his heir and Princess to take over after he is done.”






Inuyasha wiki.