Memoirs of A Villain: Louise Belcher!

Listen, I’m not a villain but I do have quite an impressive history of mischief! louise3  Before you pass any judgement, “Just remember that we are going to come out of this deal stinking rich!” The memoir deal that is!

Have you seen all of the crap that’s being marketed as “New York Times Bestsellers?” Most of the books on that list are self help mambo jumbo that even I could write up! So I will!

I’m a simple Belcher. My family owns a restaurant and are always coming across trouble or precarious situations. Who would think that this amount of excitement would be available at a burger joint? I’m an entrepreneur, I try and get in on the ground floor of every get rich quick scheme and after reading the memoirs of 2 famous villains; The Joker and Sesshomaru, I know it’s my turn to shine!

Let’s start from the beginning. Tina was crying over the latest fight between our father and her crush’s father, Jimmy Pesto! Jimmy runs the Italian place directly across the street form us and he has been terrorizing my father for as long as I can remember. Our place may not be the fanciest, but the food outweighs Pesto’s by a ton. This time, he went too far and banned Jimmy Jr, Ollie and Andy from talking to use Belchers. Tina was devastated and I’d had enough. It’s time to protect the family.

I’ve devised a few plans to stick it to Jimmy one and for all.

Plan #1 – I feed my brother Gene buckets of chili and send him over into Jimmy Pesto’s restroom. Unknowingly, I’ve placed cherry bombs in Gene’s back pocket. He’s sure to drop a few in the toilet as he relieves himself and then KABOOM! Gene cause a minor explosion while he is pooping and the smell causes everyone to evacuate the restaurant!

Nope, can’t do that Louise. Gene will be left behind and Jimmy will somehow blame dad.

Plan #2 – I get Andy and Ollie to let me into their father’s kitchen by telling them that we’re going to play a game of hide n seek.  louise2  I volunteer to be “IT” and let the twins go off and hide away from the crime scene. Then I find Jimmy’s special marinara sauce and stir in a very special ingredient that Zeke secured for me. He beat up the science club and made them concoct a tasteless liquid that causes diarrhea. One taste of this stuff and the entire restaurant will be sick! Those who didn’t have the marinara will be sick watching others throw up and poop their pants. It’s full proof.

“Hey Louise, Rudy is here” – Tina interrupts bursting into my room.

“Hi Louise!” Rudy waves with his free arm.

“Ughhh I’m trying to make us millions here guys. What is it?” I answer slamming my pen on the desk.

“Well I wanted to show you my new Roach Farm.” Rudy says. He walks over to the desk and places a container down.

“I want to see, I want to see” Gene screams running into the room.

We all gather around as Rudy takes off the sheet covering his new friends. In aw we all marvel at the roaches walking around.

“Aw, Rudy they look sad.” Tina says

“Yea, can’t you let them loose so that they can breathe?” Gene agrees.

I smile am evil grin as the belcher children and Rudy continue to play with the roaches. Clasping my hands I let out a maniacal laugh. “This is perfect! Bwahahahaha, bwahahaha.” louise1

Tina Joins in “Aha, aha hahaha” followed by Rudy “Hahahaha.”

“I want to feel included” Gene yells “ahahahahhaha.”

The next day…

We’re sitting in the restaurant and Tina is telling us for the Gazillioneth  time that she wants to run away if she can’t be with Jimmy Jr. Dad is trying to calm her down and mom is singing her a lullaby to ease her mind. Just then we hear screams from across the street. The family runs to window to see all of Jimmy Pesto’s customers running into the streets with little critters following them.

“Omg Lyn, do you see this?” Dad says.

“Let me see, let me see. Oh My Gosh, Bobby!” Mom replies.

“What’s going on dad?” Gene and Tina ask.

“It’s the best day of our lives kids. Jimmy Pesto’s has been infested with roaches and now everyone will know!” Dad yells.

It’s the first time I think I’ve ever seen my dad cry. Tears of joy roll down his face as the Health Department and the News crews pulled up in front of Jimmy’s. Everyone rushes outside to watch the descent of Father’s enemy, except me. I stand with my arms crossed and the smile of satisfaction on my face.

See, I’m not a villain, I am a simple daughter trying to save her family from ruin. I am Louise Belcher!

 

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5 replies

    • Right? I had to think about what she would do realistically. Louise would always have these grandiose ideas but the plausible option is someone having a roach farm that she could release lol. Thank you for the kind words, I really love writing these. Eventually I will start doing memoirs of a sidekick too! Tha k you for reading 😁

      Liked by 1 person

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